My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
