Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
