when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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