Soap is not a condiment
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
