Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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