Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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