im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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