I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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