Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
