you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
