If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
