The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
