The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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