so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
