theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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