R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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