I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
