Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
