Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
