you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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