Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
