This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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