the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
