My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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