I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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