I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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