yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
