Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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