Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
