I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
