i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
