I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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