FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
