Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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