Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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