The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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