i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
