We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
