then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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