so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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