Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
