you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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