I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
