I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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