Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
