Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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