she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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