cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
