It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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