I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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