i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
