Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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