Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
