I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
