Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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