So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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